Life's Fulfillment

Growing up, every little girl has a dream. Mine- to get married and be a mommy. As I grew up, that dream got more specific- get married to a TALL, Godly man and be a stay-at-home mom to my kids, like my mom was able to do for me. However, as I went through school and neared college, the question lingered before me "What are you going to do with your life?" Of course, I was heading to college, I had to have a major. So, of course, because of my passion for kids, being a teacher seemed like a no-brainer. But, to be totally honest, by the end of my college career, I wasn't so sure that this was the path I REALLY wanted to take. BUT- after 4 years of school (actually 4 1/2 because I went on a semester abroad trip) I had a degree and was expected to use it. (I mean, why would you spend THOUSANDS of dollars for a piece of paper saying you are allowed to do a certain job, and then not use it, right??) Although I had a passion to make a difference in the life of a child and to help children find those "ah ha" moments, I just didn't enjoy the extra time, meetings, testing, paperwork, and "behind the scenes" things that teachers are faced with. To me, it just wasn't about the kids anymore. After teaching for two years, I knew that this wasn't what I wanted to do the rest of my life. I looked more forward to breaks than the days I had in my classroom, and counted down the minutes in a day, just to head home. That wasn't what I REALLY wanted in a job. When Payton came along, 18 months ago, that childhood dream came rushing back, as I just wanted to be a stay-at-home mommy to her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to snuggle her. I wanted to feed her. I wanted to change her. (well most of the time...ha!) I wanted to see all those firsts, smiles, coos, crawling, walking....and not hear about all those "firsts" from the babysitter. However, let's be honest. My husband is a teacher, and teachers don't get paid millions, and barely enough for a family to live off of. So, Kyle and I made the decision for me to quit my teaching job to stay home with Payton, although we still needed to find some kind of income coming in. At that point I heard about a state program where I could work with kids 2 days a week, set my own schedule, and bring in some extra income. At least it wasn't 5 days a week/8+ hours a day. So, I was in. This quickly proved to be something that wasn't too reliable, as I had no control of the amount of work, and therefore pay, that I would be bringing in. AND, I was still leaving my baby to go work with other children. But, it was something...so I kept with it. Then our precious baby boy came along, just 2 short months ago! (I CAN'T BELIEVE HE IS ALREADY 2 MONTHS OLD...and growing out of clothes already...) Now I had two sets of hearts that would break when I left them, and two sets of tear-filled eyes as I drove away to again go work with other children. Was this fair? Was it worth upsetting my own children to go work with others? Was it worth all the time I would have to pack all their things up and ship them off to relatives to watch? I am SO thankful for my mom and aunt for watching my children, but it was MY job. I brought them into the world. I wanted kids, and it was MY job to raise them.

So, this brings us up to date. I am still working a few hours, fazing out, of the state program, however, I know that this is also not something that is bringing me complete fulfillment. My mind tends to wonder off, thinking of what my babies are doing, calling every hour that I am away to check in. However, remember...I can't just STOP this and not have income coming in. I mean, now we have 2 babies to feed, 2 in diapers, and 2 that are growing out of clothes like crazy! Money must come from somewhere, and unfortunately it doesn't grow on trees.

I found myself really doing some "gut check" thinking in the short weeks after Ethan was born. What did I really want out of life? What would make me truly happy? Why didn't I feel TOTALLY happy and satisfied? I mean I have a great husband and two precious children, a dog, a nice house with a fenced in backyard- isn't this the "All-American dream??" What was missing? After a lot of praying and soul searching, I realized that I didn't truly feel like I was MAKING A DIFFERENCE- something that is at my core and a deep desire of mine. I was just "going through the motions" of my everyday life, especially when it came to my part-time job. It wasn't cutting it. It wasn't making me happy. I wasn't satisfied with going through the motions of a job and NEEDED a change.

God sure has a way to deliver and answer prayers. About that time, I heard about an opportunity like no other. An opportunity to TRULY change lives. An opportunity to make a difference. To help others. To work from home. To be the mommy I wanted to be. I had NEVER heard of an opportunity like this before, but I KNEW it was my answer. So, in just one short month, I have been able to do something that I TRULY love. I have been able to still "teach" others, not in a school setting, but around a kitchen table or lounging in the living room. I have been able to hang out with friends, while our kids giggle and play, and discuss things that are so important to us. I have been able to offer other moms, who see no hope in being able to stay home with their babies, an answer. I have been able to give little ones their mommies back, through time. I have been able to give husbands like mine, who stressed about where the money was going to come from to pay the bills, peace of mind. I have been able to help others who have health issues a possible answer to their needs. I have made a difference. I am making a difference. I will make a difference. And I am happy, TRULY happy.